Once upon a time there was a girl who wrote about love and wonder and beauty.
Then her heart broke and all she could do was write about pain, anger, and tears.
That girl is so sick of the morbid topics and wishes she could change back...but where has all the beauty gone?
Its deserted her, and instead of blue she sees black.
Instead of rainbows, she sees rain.
Instead of feeling calm and light and happy, she feels as if a cement block were tied to her chest and walks around in a perpetual daze.
This girl needs escape.
How?
What would bring the light back and drive away the shadows?
Love was the light before, but will it ever come again?
It seems like its been gone for so long, maybe it simply left for good.
This girl is confused and ready to think beautiful again.


This girl is obviously me. And this story is my own. And I want to be happy.
But how do you go about happiness when you've been without it for so very long?
You cant just find it like your favorite lost t-shirt. It doesnt just appear one day.
And I think I have forgotten the ways to make it.
Its not like a recipe that you can check often.
I am lost. True happiness eludes me every time.

The snaggle toof babies are coming out of my tummy and the gyno wants to massage me.
I am going crazy. Seriously. I am pretty sure I just laughed on my sisters bed with absolutely nothing to laugh about. It was stupid. Vagina massages are not, in fact, funny...in the least?! OH EM Geeeeeeeeee.


Yeah, ok. So BillKid is here, and he brought me coke. And I am going to stop writing everything stupid that he says and get down to the real reason I am typing. I have blogeria. Ok, seriously BillKid...STOP.

Concentration. Fifty Four. Yeah. So. Freaking out. Why, you ask? Well, I am going to answer even if you didnt ask because this is my place, not yours. Sooo, if you dont like what I have to say, get yo ass outta heeeereee. Ok, in all seriousness I am freaking. I have had a scare and that has toyed with me. I dont know what to do about it. I have been talking to Bill and that is weird in and of itself. We talk frequently. Just about every day. I still love him. I do. I hate that I do, but i cant help it. I like RJ. I really do. But he seems to be uncaring right now. He always calls or messages me and tells me that he wants to do something with me, but when the time comes there is always excuse after excuse for reasons he cant. I feel dumb and naive even admitting that I like him because I am pretty sure I am just a stupid girl for him to play with. So, needless to say...I am fucking confused. My heart is torn and both sides are terrible choices for me. But what can I do? I like both of these boys and I want things to be happy. I want...fuck if I know what I want. I thought at one point I wanted RJ. I am not sure anymore. If he was more reliable and consistent, maybe I still would be as content with him. I thought I wanted Bill again at one point, but that is sooo dumb and I know it. We didnt work out and I doubt we ever will. If things ever happen between us again, I know that its too easy for us to jump back into the past and despite how much we have changed...I know that all those changes will be futile. It will be the same old shit, because you cant go back in a relationship and not be who you were.

So, basically, in short: I. AM. FUCKED.

Uberly so. I think i like to use the word uberly uberly.Tee hee hee. I actually laughed just like that. So, I cant even write anymore, because I need a cigarette and my fingers already hurt because I have carpal tunnel along with my emphysema. I think I'll die soon. Not with snaggle toof baybehs.

Oh em jeee. I am probably going to look back on this tomorrow and be like "Double yuuuu tee ayf, mehn?" I feel kind of like I am drunk except I had no alcoholic bever ages. This is silly. I am def crazy fo shoooo.


Goodnight pukewads. Until the next moment when I decide to write again, hopefully when I am sane and level headed because this entry blows. This is a testament to the fact that I AM BONKERS.

Fucking Negroes.

A feather stuck to the ground...I'm trapped.
A single shoe in the street...I've lost my mate.
A blade of grass...I might as well be invisible in the crowd.
A door that won't stay shut...I'm broken.
A scream in the night...I'm haunted.
A caterpillar...An ugly thing waiting for my day to turn beautiful.
A peice of broken glass...I was once together and whole, but my bitterness will cut you open.
A winter breeze...my whispers of truth will cut to your bare skin.
A fairytale...always waiting for my "Happily Ever After".
The color gray...I depress people for no single reason.
A castle...forbidding and lonely.
The ocean...more vast and moody than you at first believed.
An empty bag...fill me up just one more time before I break...
A bent winter tree...I am trying to grow despite all thats stopping me. I will make it someday.
A coffin...bury me in this earth and I will rot away slowly, happy to be myself.
A shooting star...I will shine bright one day, if only in my death.


I am like...me. I would like to think I am unique, but the thing is...I am not. I am like everything else in life.
And just as confused and lonely.
I'm like...all other humans...searching for the things that make me happy in life, and trying to overcome the rest.